‘Sumum bonum’ is the only latin phrase I can recall from my collective years of education. In english, it is the ultimate end or the highest goal. And for most of us, it is happiness. Some would argue it is success in general, but most would agree that success is just an enabler of happiness. And an evident truth about men is that, we are programmed to live, and grow, and flourish with a summum bonum — happiness.
A lot of resources were made and spent to create a culture we humans have subscribed to: SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS. In this day and age, a lot has been said and done to give a systematic and perhaps, scientific approach to achieving success or happiness.
Countless books, self-help written prose are written about defining, searching, creating and achieving success (and eventually happiness) in life. Some of these are made to look like a professional advise one must take to their hearts, and others are contemporaries framed to look less intimidating in a form of self-narratives or anecdotes.
I myself is obsessed about these books — about knowing and learning the ropes to successfully find my summum bonum. And yet, I am barely a thousand mile away from it. Why??? Because I chose a loop.
The Loop
I call it a loop. A seemingly endless series of similar and interconnected events a person is locked into. Yes a loop, I am inside a loop I chose to be in. Why??? I dont know exactly why but I know for sure that I subconsciously chose this loop.
My loop
My loop is a forced habit to find security in terms of finances and self-worth. I formed and subconsciously chose the loop that locks me in a seemingly endless marathon for stability and happiness. I hustle since I was in high school. I worked hard to earn decent grades. I worked hard to earn a decent academic track record to get me into a decent university. I did I what I did to establish an academic success during my university years with one single goal — to land a well -compensating job and forged a successful career out of it.
I did land a job, but it didn’t pay well. I worked hard to earn decent experience and stayed a little longer in the company as what the corporate society dictates. Then I left. I left for a better-paying job I thought will get me closer to what I aimed for. But it didn’t. Yes the pay is better but the pressure to perform is even greater to a point that I resigned months later.
I was jobless for a good 80 days. I thought I need to be more discriminating with my choices, that turned out to be a reality check.
Reality bites absolutely. Nothing in this world will engulf you with self-pity and regrets than the bitter reality that you are jobless and that while you had a decent amount of experience under your belt, no decent company is calling you even for an interview.
I felt like all my hard work in my high school and college days are pointless. Might as well try my luck in BPO. It crossed my mind, but I didn’t dare to push myself in that industry. “It is not for me”, I said. “I am no good in customer servicing and taking irate calls”, I said to myself.
Then I decided to do a short freelancing doing a work I’ve never done. Digital Marketing — pure guts, some reseach and countless sleepless nights to pull it off. I need money I said. I can’t just starve I said.
Then luckily, I got a break and planted my roots in this industry. I learned a lot. I have absorbed a lot like a sponge and rekindled the flame I though had died in me years ago.
I tried to climb the ladder little by little, and a little faster. I thought this is it — this is my path to my success, my happiness. But I stumbled upon a roadblock I never thought I would have: ANXIETY and DEPRESSION.
I am indenial at first. I thought it was just a phase. “I will eventually get through it stronger” I said. But I didn’t. I hit a rock bottom one time that I cried myself to sleep because O don’t know what I am doing nor where I am heading to. But because I thought I was strong, I drowned myself into another series of loop — busyness. I tried working more than what I should. I thought working might derail me from wallowing into a ball of existentialist thoughts and self-pity.
But it didn’t sustain me. So I just worked. I accepted the reality that I am what I do and perhaps I can make a mark and will eventually lead me to my summum bonum IF I MAKE MY WORK AN EXTENSION OF MYSELF.
Then I took pride in doing a job well-done. I got noticed. My contributions were acknowledged and rewarded, and later on got promoted a handful of times. I was a high-schooler again, itching and thristy for applause, and recognition. I wanted more of it, and better compensation.
Then I searched for it, and I went for it.
There are a lot of realizations I had amidst the process but I always ended up going back into a loop.
I wanted peace of mind to be happy, but my loop sustains me. Why? Because unlike some fortunate ones — I was born to a less fortunate family. I had to… no, I really have to work and earn a more decent compensation to provide for my family and to create a safety net for the future.
I wanted to break through my loop but I can’t afford it now. Not even in the years to come. Do I look pathetic??? Maybe I do, but I can’t afford to be a lot more pathetic than this, when there’s nothing for me cling to.
Just like anyone, I have my needs to satisfy, a languange I speak, and a currency I know. I know it is not the best kind if languange or currency, but this is what I understand and follow — for now.
And I hope one day, I can truly find my summum bonum outside my loop.
PJ Madera's Blog 